Today’s blog is born out of my own struggles,
heart-felt stories and
real-life scenarios.
Have you ever wanted something so badly that even with the sound of a four-alarm fire blaring in your head, you dove headlong into the blaze? With red lights blinking danger, danger, danger, have you ever chosen to ignore the impending disaster? Has your desire ever been so great that you closed your eyes and ears to the land mines that lie ahead?
For many of us, there have been times when our need was greater than our wisdom. The human desire for love, affection, acceptance, safety, security, and sense of belonging often times causes us to ignore the red flags. We seem to have an uncanny ability to rationalize and minimize sirens warning us to get out of harm’s way.
There are women and men who have been so heartbroken after a failed marriage or broken relationship, that they have engaged in one-night stands to try to ease the emotional pain. In a song titled “Last Name,” award-winning recording artist Carrie Underwood sings:
Last night, I got served
A little too much poison baby
Last night, I did things I am not proud of
I got a little crazy
Last night I met a guy on the dance floor
And I let him call me “baby”
And I don’t even know his last name
Oh, my momma would be so ashamed
It started off “hey cutie, where you from?”
Then it turned into “oh no! What have I done?”
And I don’t even know his last name.
Hold Me in Your Arms
The need for warmth, affection and human touch is so great that there are times we can be desperate to satisfy that deep longing. One avenue for making connections and exploring potential relationships is the increasingly popular online dating sites. There are online dating sites for straight singles, the LGBTQ community, those living with AIDS or herpes, and those who are married and looking for some excitement outside of their marital relationship.
This reminds me of the Pina Colada song where a married couple posts personal ads independent of each other, looking for a partner to fulfill their desires. Here’s an excerpt:
If you like pina coladas
And getting’ caught in the rain
If you’re not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you like makin’ love at midnight
In the dunes of the cape
Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for
Write to me and escape
This is an example of an obvious unmet need that longs to be fulfilled.
So, what would you do if after twenty years, you found yourself in a loveless, sexless marriage? What if you had two beautiful children, a lovely home and a comfortable lifestyle? Where would you turn after repeated attempts at intimacy failed, leaving you feeling lonely and worthless? What if divorce was not something you wanted to contemplate?
A kind, caring, sensitive woman I know found herself in this very situation. She wanted to feel attractive, desirable and needed. Against her better judgement she joined a dating site for those who are married and searching. It wasn’t long before she met a man who made her happy and satisfied her needs. This mutually beneficial relationship lasted for a few years until one day lightning struck and their sexual liaison was discovered. Their secret love affair, born out of a desperate need for meaningful connection, resulted in the decimation of both families.
Domestic Violence
The need for security is another basic human need. Women’s shelters are filled with those who have stayed in toxic, turbulent relationships for fear of not being able to make it on their own. Domestic Violence Statistics report the shocking reality that over 1 in 3 women (35.6%) in the US have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. The need for food, shelter and a life partner, often trumps the wisdom of escaping the abuse.
Romance Scams
The Tinder Swindler, a 2022 Netflix documentary tells the story of the Israeli conman who used the dating application Tinder to connect with women who he emotionally manipulated into supporting his lavish lifestyle. Over a couple of years, he bilked these women for an estimated $10 million. These were not elderly women with dementia that were being taken advantage of. These were smart, successful, professional women looking for love and a committed relationship.
The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) reports that people have lost $1.3 billion to romance scams in just the past five years.
While grieving her husband’s suicide, a woman I met, fell victim to a romance scam. Feeling lost, alone and depressed, she joined an online dating site looking for companionship. Much to her surprise, she met someone who she became madly in love with. He wooed her with sweet messages and spoke of the beautiful future they would have together. However, when she asked when they could meet, he always had excuses, but assured her he could not wait to meet her and shower her with affection. He began by asking her for small “loans” to help finance some business ventures. Over time, the requests were for larger and larger amounts, until her bank account and savings were diminished. Once she realized she had been scammed, there was no recourse. This poor woman, now in her sixties is living on her social security and visiting the local food bank. Her need to believe she could find love again was greater than her wisdom to realize she was being swindled.
We Are All Vulnerable
These are some dramatic stories with grave consequences. But there are every-day stories in life when our immediate need takes precedence over our better judgement. It can be small things like eating an entire bag of potato chips while watching TV, ordering a third martini, or occasionally visiting a porn site. If activities such as these are rare, do not interfere with your life and do not become a habit, they may be harmless. However, if these behaviors accelerate and become unhealthy addictions, getting some professional help may be needed to escape the grip of the attachment.
Personal Experience
I have certainly had times in my life when my need has been greater than my wisdom. I have “joined the crowd” in order to be accepted. I have entered into relationships knowing they were destined to fail. I have kicked myself more than once for going into debt for something that I wanted now, when financially it was not a wise thing to do. I love cooking, decorating and the latest fashions. My Achilles heel is giving in to my desires and breaking the bank.
In order to try to rein in my propensity to over-spend, I have had some success in removing temptation. I throw away fashion magazines the minute they come in the mail, I delete or unsubscribe to email promotions, and I remind myself regularly that short term gain will lead to long-term pain.
Finding Our Way Home
When we allow ourselves to succumb to our physical and emotional needs, we are often left with feelings of guilt, embarrassment and self-loathing. How do we overcome our shame?
Self-respect is knowing you are worthy and treating yourself accordingly. “Our level of self-respect acts almost like a blue-print to instruct others how to engage with us,” says Jaime Zuckerman, a licensed clinical psychologist in Philadelphia. “When we develop healthy reciprocal relationships, we find ourselves surrounded by those who respect us, support us, and treat us how we want to be treated.
Being Kind to Ourselves
We are all human. We are vulnerable. We often fail to heed the warning signs of pending danger.
If you are hurting, I hope you will be gentle with yourself and find a place of hope and healing.
If you find yourself in serious trouble, I hope you will seek help.
I look forward to hearing your stories. Let’s connect!
Warm Regards, Yvonne